Coming Soon to a Nursery Near You!

Well, it's official.  My C-Section is scheduled to begin at 12:30 pm on Thursday, December 1st.  Finally, I will get to meet my little Gabriel!!  I could not be more excited - or terrified.  All of a sudden it seems so near.  I am starting to question just how ready I am.  First of all, we haven't put the portable crib together in our bedroom and I have things yet to buy.  Secondly, I have all sorts of questions that run through my head on a daily basis.  Mostly what ifs, but some actually legitimate.  Thankfully we got a call from the plastic surgeon today who wants to meet with us one more time before Gabriel arrives.  That should take care of some of my outstanding questions.  I will elaborate more on that after our appointment on the 14th. 

So, I was reading a post the other day from a 38 year old gentleman who wanted to share with mothers of children with cleft, his first person story of living with cleft lip/palate.  He mentioned trials and tribulations.  He noted that he had several surgeries up until he had his last at 18 years old.  That surgery was to reset his jaw and then have it wired shut for a week.  While I found his story very interesting, there was one thing he said that I just haven't been able to get out of my mind.  He said - your child doesn't blame you, so please don't blame yourself.  I found this amazingly powerful statement to be so captivating, and since I promised myself to share the whole truth with all of you out there, I will tell you why.

The day we first found out about Gabriel's clefts, I spent so much time trying to figure out what I had done wrong.  I won't lie.  I smoked a few cigarettes before I knew I was pregnant.  I also took a medication that 3 doctors said I could take, but I was unsure.  I ate cold deli meat before I knew I was pregnant. I haven't been a perfect person, so I was sure my karma levels were to blame. The list goes on and on.  Then we found out that one of Chad's cousins was born with a cleft lip (no palate involvement).  So great - perhaps it was genetic and I could blame his bloodline - but I didn't.  I silently blamed God and went on strike from praying for a time.  Then I realized I might actually need Him and it was unlikely He would help me out if I were harboring resentment.  But there must be someone to blame, isn't there?

It dawned on me recently that for every rotten thing that has ever happened to me, I have spent a great deal of energy trying to figure out whom I could blame.  Funny thing is, I have a mantra I live by - it is what it is - but honestly, I am quite sure there is someone to blame for it being what it is!  Chad reminds me that there is no one to blame and that we just need to focus on being as strong as we can for our Gabriel, but sadly, I am not convinced.

So that brings me back to whom to blame.  Nearly every night since finding out about what our baby will endure, there is a little voice in my head who wakes me up at 2 am asking, 'what did you do to him?', 'how could you subject him to such torture?', 'how do you fix it now?'.  The truth is - I don't know.  My children are my life.  When they are away from me, it's often hard to breathe.  I swear my heart skips beats because a part of my heart is always with them.  So of course I didn't DO this to him.  How could I?  What kind of mother would I be?

Logically I know that I likely didn't do this to him.  That makes sense.  There are so many reasons (mostly unknown) as to why cleft lip and palate occur - I have stated this before.  But part of me knows that when my baby is going through surgeries, possibly until he is 18 years old, that I will not be satisfied until I sufficiently find someone to blame.  And honestly, if he doesn't blame me, then he is truly a better person than I.

So, there you have it.  I have learned a tremendous amount on this journey so far and I have no doubt that I will be a pillar of strength for my little one.  But I do have my demons to deal with - I wonder who I can blame for that...