Though it is so hard to believe, our baby is officially one
year old today – and what a year it has been!!!
Here’s what’s been happening since Gabriel’s last surgery
nearly three weeks ago.
During the surgery, it was discovered that we were not
fixing a hole – the entire palate opened back up. Just to help you understand how open it was,
before Gabriel’s first palate surgery, he had two uvulas (you know, that thing
that dangles in the back of your throat).
After the initial palate repair, he only had one. When the surgeon went in to fix the hole this
last time, there were two again.
After six hours of surgery, our stay in the hospital and the
following first couple of days went surprisingly well. Gabriel was drinking from a bottle with little
difficulty and sleeping as well as he had been prior to the surgery – meaning,
he still wakes up every four or five hours, but I think that has a lot to do
with the fact that he is limited to only drinking formula, which just doesn’t
keep him very full (he used to sleep ten hours straight and then go back to sleep, after a bottle, for another two). We didn’t battle
fevers this time and Gabriel’s spirits were quite good! The only thing that really even seemed
bothersome at all was his nasal stints. He
had about three inch long tubes sewed into each nostril in hope that his air
passage would stay clear and we could avoid the palate trampoline effect we had
the last time. The stints didn’t bother
him tremendously though, except when I had to put saline in the tubes to try
and keep them clear.
By Saturday morning, I noticed a hole in the palate already. I tried to not panic since I didn’t know for
certain it would mean we would be going back into surgery already, but after
the year we’ve had, panic just sort of happens.
We had a follow-up with the surgeon the following Monday
and, to my surprise, he confirmed that while there is a hole, due to its size
and location, there is a possibility it will close up on its own. Furthermore, if it doesn’t close on its own,
we can actually wait years to fix it. I
was literally jumping for joy!! I didn’t
care if the hole didn’t close on its own, but I care very much that my baby
might be able to go at least a year without having surgery! Dr. S removed the stints, which I actually
planned on asking him if I could have them until I saw the yuck stuck to
them! He told me we could go ahead and
start giving Gabriel baby food for a couple of weeks, then anything a couple
more weeks after that, and that he didn’t need to see us back for six weeks!
Well…we waited until Thanksgiving to give Gabriel any soft/baby
food, just to allow the palate to continue to heal a little longer. As soon as I put the first spoonful of mashed
potatoes in his mouth, I realized this new hole was much bigger than I
originally thought. All the potatoes
kept coming out of his right nostril.
Chad kept telling me that I just needed to figure out how to feed him
(again) so he doesn’t push so much food into the hole, but I was pretty
disheartened about it – and still am. I
just know that when we go to our six week check-up, we are going to find out
that repairing this hole can’t really wait.
So that brings us to today – Gabriel’s first birthday! We didn’t have a party for him today. I actually decided to put it off a week to
wait until it is ok to give him table food, really hoping he will be able to
eat cake – hence why there are no pics today, give me a week or so. Instead of a party, we took him to see Santa
and just spent the day as a family.
Odd thing though, all day yesterday when I was thinking
about Gabriel turning one, I kept getting really weepy. I don’t think it’s because my baby is growing
up and I won’t be having any more babies to cuddle. I think it’s because the heaviness of
everything that has happened in the past year just finally hit.
In the past year, we have been through four major surgeries.
We’ve taught Gabriel how to eat five
times. We experienced the torturous
Latham Device. We went from sleeping in
a swing to a crib, back to a swing, back to a crib, and now back to a swing –
with little hope of getting him back in his crib. We’ve listened to him scream and cry in pain,
agony, and sheer terror without being able to do a single thing for him. We’ve watched him lose weight over and over
again. We’ve been to so many doctor’s
appointments I finally stopped counting.
We’ve cleaned out his nose, the device, his mouth, and his ears like a
plumber snakes a drain. We’ve cried and
screamed, blamed and questioned.
But it hasn’t all been so grim. When most people fall in love with their
child’s face the first time they see them, we’ve had the honor of falling in
love with Gabriel’s face three different times, when the changes are so
dramatic after each surgery. We’ve seen
him smile, heard him laugh, watched him learn to roll over, sit-up, and sort of
crawl. We’ve heard him say Mama and
yeah-yeah. We’ve been blessed with a
greater understanding of just how unconditional love can be.
And Gabriel, without even knowing it, has given us so much.
His brother got a best friend. He taught us how to be strong without really
trying. He took two people who
undoubtedly loved each other, made them fall hopelessly in love all over again
and become an unbreakable force. He made
me realize that I don’t need the world or riches beyond my imagination. As long as I have him, Ethan, and Chad, I
already do have the world.
I love you, Gabriel.
You are the most amazing little man I have ever known and will forever
be proud to be your mom.
