Life Between the Clefts: Surgery #1 is Tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is the big day – surgery #1. Surgery starts at 7:00 AM. We have to be there by 5:00 AM, so we have to leave our house no later than 4:00 AM. Gabriel can have formula until 11:00 PM tonight, and water until 1:00 AM. Needless to say, it’s going to be a long night and very long day tomorrow.

To give you an idea of how this surgery will go, here are the details:

Dr. S will start by putting tubes in Gabriel’s ears – this should take 5–10 minutes. Then, radiology will take some scans of Gabriel’s mouth. Dr. W will then implant the Latham Device – this should take 45 minutes to an hour. Radiology will then take another set of scans to make sure the pins are where they belong. If all looks good, surgery will be over. The entire process should take somewhere close to an hour and a half.

I am not sure I can accurately put into words what I am feeling these 24 hours before everything begins, but I will try.

Fear – My children are my heart, so it literally feels like I am preparing for my heart to be cut in half and placed on a table. I don’t want to see him wheeled away from me. I don’t want to see him with any tubes or IV’s in his tiny arms. I don’t want to see him being poked and prodded by nurses and doctors. I am terrified that we won’t be able to calm him. I fear it may be awhile before I see his beautiful smile again. I’m afraid of what the device will look like in his mouth. I fear that I won’t have the emotional strength to tighten the screw in it every day. I fear the worst, even though logically I know I shouldn’t.

Sadness – I am so sad that my 7 week old Gabriel has to go through this. I am sad for the child who lives a simple life with little to no drama who will have his world turned upside down in 24 hours.

I hate that fear and sadness turn into anger.

Anger – I hate that he has to feel pain. I hate that he won’t understand why he can’t eat overnight tonight or what this new thing is in his mouth tomorrow. I hate that this is surgery #1 in a long year – or more – of surgeries. I hate that starting now, the madness of being tortured by doctors on a weekly basis begins. I hate that everyone keeps telling me that he is not going to remember all of this. I understand that – I really do. Unfortunately, I will remember this. His pain is my pain. His tears are mine.

Relief – As confusing as it is, I am truly relieved that step 1 of the repair has finally arrived. As much as I wish it wasn’t necessary, I am eager to just get going on this so I don’t have to continue worrying about the future. The future is now.

Hope – I am hopeful this will make eating easier for him. I am hopeful future surgeries won’t affect me as much; thus not adding stress to his life. Perhaps he will be able to breathe better or sneeze less. Perhaps he will start to have less gas!!! I am hopeful for all of these.

I am putting my entire faith in God and strangers that they will take care of my baby – this is very hard for me. When I think about the surgery itself, I can’t breathe. I look at my son now and want to cradle him in my arms and run away as far and as fast as I can.

I pray the surgery goes well, the recovery is quick, and the pain is minimal. I pray he eats like a champ as soon as he wakes and doesn’t notice a difference with the device in place. I ask my readers, who pray every night, that you include my son in your prayers tonight as well.

So you are aware, I have decided the best way to help you all understand the progress that is made as a result of the Latham Device, is to take pictures weekly of Frank (the premaxilla) from a profile prospective. This will provide the most visibly obvious progress. Today I am including a picture of Gabriel’s palate (without the device) and the starting profile picture of Frank. Hopefully I will be able to share a picture of Gabriel’s palate with the device after the surgery so you can see the medieval torture device-like appliance my son will be living with for the next 3–5 months!

Wish us luck! I will provide an update soon!

Palate Before Latham Device Surgery (This is the best pic I have so far)