Tomorrow is the big day! After three months at home with Gabriel, I am finally returning to work. Unfortunately, it is with very mixed emotions.
Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE my job! I am blessed with great challenges, amazing bosses and co-workers, and the ability to use my brain in ways that actually makes me feel like I am accomplishing something every minute of the day. There have been many, many times over the past three months that I wish I could go back to work. Back to the land of normal. Back to something I am really, really good at.
But now, with tomorrow being the day, I feel like the last three months have flown by and going back to work has come all too soon.
First, there is the obvious reason it’s hard to leave my son – he is so much fun!!! Such a happy boy – he never cries unless he’s hungry. And despite all he has been through, he is the only person in my life who smiles the second he sees me. Who would want to leave that?
Then, there is the other reason I don’t want to leave my son – I am the only one who knows how to take care of him – which leaves me scared.
Currently, I am the only one he will eat for. Chad feeds him every now and then, but Chad has been at work a lot lately, so Gabriel has naturally learned to take a bottle best from me. I am the only one who knows his quirks about eating – like when he moves his head in different directions it means he wants the bottle on the other side of his mouth. I know there is a good ten minutes of drama before he will take the bottle and that sometimes you have to jiggle him to get him to cooperate. I don’t know why this is, I just know it works. I know how to know when he’s about to choke so I can try and stop it before it happens. I know how to burp him and do it better than everyone else.
I am the only one who knows how to troubleshoot the stupid bottles we use – which come with all sorts of aggravations. You can’t have the top on tightly at all, but then you can’t have it so loose the formula leaks out. You have to watch for un-dissolved formula clogging up the vent inside the nipple. Sometimes the nipple collapses. When this happens, you have to loosen the top, but again, not so much that the bottle leaks. If the bottle leaks for no apparent reason, sometimes you have to stick a toothpick in the outside vent, or you have to take the top off, clean around the rim and put the top back on.
In addition to eating, I am the only one who has ever turned the screw in the Latham Device and kept the device clean. I am also the only one who knows how to put the Frank Mover back on when he pulls it off.
I know what each cry means. I know when he needs a nap. I know that he likes to be held upright and only likes to be on his back when he’s sleeping or lying on his play mat. I know he sleeps better when the TV is off, no matter how much you want to watch your show. I know he likes to sleep with the swing moving for naps, but likes to be still overnight. I know he doesn’t know it’s time to sleep until I tuck a blanket in around him. I also know that when he’s fighting sleep, you have to tap a rhythm on his chest or belly until he finally nods off.
Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE my job! I am blessed with great challenges, amazing bosses and co-workers, and the ability to use my brain in ways that actually makes me feel like I am accomplishing something every minute of the day. There have been many, many times over the past three months that I wish I could go back to work. Back to the land of normal. Back to something I am really, really good at.
But now, with tomorrow being the day, I feel like the last three months have flown by and going back to work has come all too soon.
First, there is the obvious reason it’s hard to leave my son – he is so much fun!!! Such a happy boy – he never cries unless he’s hungry. And despite all he has been through, he is the only person in my life who smiles the second he sees me. Who would want to leave that?
Then, there is the other reason I don’t want to leave my son – I am the only one who knows how to take care of him – which leaves me scared.
Currently, I am the only one he will eat for. Chad feeds him every now and then, but Chad has been at work a lot lately, so Gabriel has naturally learned to take a bottle best from me. I am the only one who knows his quirks about eating – like when he moves his head in different directions it means he wants the bottle on the other side of his mouth. I know there is a good ten minutes of drama before he will take the bottle and that sometimes you have to jiggle him to get him to cooperate. I don’t know why this is, I just know it works. I know how to know when he’s about to choke so I can try and stop it before it happens. I know how to burp him and do it better than everyone else.
I am the only one who knows how to troubleshoot the stupid bottles we use – which come with all sorts of aggravations. You can’t have the top on tightly at all, but then you can’t have it so loose the formula leaks out. You have to watch for un-dissolved formula clogging up the vent inside the nipple. Sometimes the nipple collapses. When this happens, you have to loosen the top, but again, not so much that the bottle leaks. If the bottle leaks for no apparent reason, sometimes you have to stick a toothpick in the outside vent, or you have to take the top off, clean around the rim and put the top back on.
In addition to eating, I am the only one who has ever turned the screw in the Latham Device and kept the device clean. I am also the only one who knows how to put the Frank Mover back on when he pulls it off.
I know what each cry means. I know when he needs a nap. I know that he likes to be held upright and only likes to be on his back when he’s sleeping or lying on his play mat. I know he sleeps better when the TV is off, no matter how much you want to watch your show. I know he likes to sleep with the swing moving for naps, but likes to be still overnight. I know he doesn’t know it’s time to sleep until I tuck a blanket in around him. I also know that when he’s fighting sleep, you have to tap a rhythm on his chest or belly until he finally nods off.
The list goes on and on…
I suppose I’ve done this to myself. I have made him need me. Ethan hates me right now, so he doesn’t seem to need me anymore. Chad is an adult, and has never really needed me. And who doesn’t want to be needed?
I have had plenty of opportunities to teach my mother-in-law how to feed Gabriel (since she will be taking care of him), but haven’t done it or the timing was never right. I could have tried to force Chad to turn the screw or clean the device, but I know he fears hurting our son, so I willingly took responsibility for both. The other things, I guess, are just things that any mother figures out who is with their child everyday for three months. I just don’t remember it being like this with Ethan.
I am sure everything will be just fine and that I will be so consumed by being back at work that I will not obsess about how he is every second of the day. I am sure. I am sure. If I just keep telling myself that, I am sure I will start to believe it!
